The Germans don’t know who they are

German-born Moritz Volz finds he is losing his national identity after nine years away

You may have seen in the news that the German Government has introduced a new test that every immigrant has to pass to get citizenship. So, seeing as I am always banging on about the Motherland, I thought I would do the test to see how German I am after nine years in England. To pass you need 52 per cent, but I am feeling confident.

German Citizenship Test

1. Who was the first Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany?

I’m going for Konrad Adenauer.

Correct.

2. What is the emblem of Germany?

An eagle. Although it should probably be the Mercedes star.

Correct.

3. What happened on November 9, 1938 in Germany?

I’m not sure. Did we invade somewhere?

Wrong. It was the Night of the Broken Glass when synagogues were attacked by the Nazis.

4. When did the Second World War end?

1945. But knowing the Germans they probably want it down to the exact hour, minute and second.

Correct.

5. What is the population of Germany?

82 million – all standing in nice orderly straight lines.

Correct.

6. Why did the former Chancellor Willy Brandt kneel down in the former Warsaw Ghetto in 1970?

Pass.

Wrong. As a sign of respect he knelt at a statue dedicated to those killed by the German army during the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising of 1943.

7. What does Stasi stand for?

Staatssicherheit – the secret police in East Germany. Correct.

8. What was the economic system of the German Democratic Republic called?

Corrupt? Sorry, communist?

Wrong. It was a Centrally Planned Economy.

9. What is the beginning of the German national anthem? I think it starts something like: “Ninety-nine red balloons, floating in the summer sky.”

Wrong. It’s “Unity, unity, righteousness and freedom for the German Fatherland…”

10. Who wrote the national anthem? Nena?

Wrong. Joseph Haydn and August Heinrich Hoffman von Fallersleben.

Hang on, five out of ten is only 50 per cent, which is 2 per cent less than the pass mark, which means that I am losing my Germanness. But I am not sure that this test is an accurate way of assessing someone for German citizenship, so I have come up with my own.

Please tick next to your chosen answer. Ticks should be exactly 4mm long, at precisely 45 degrees and made using only a Staedtler pencil.

Volzy’s Alternative German Citizenship Test

1. You have acquired a denim jacket. Do you a) take it to the nearest charity shop as soon as possible. b) cut off the sleeves immediately and sew on some patches.

2. You’re in a park with some friends and a football. Do you a) have a laugh kicking it around. b) put somebody in goal and spend three hours practising penalties.

3. Your hair needs a cut. When you go to the barber do you a) ask him for a trim. b) suggest that he crops the sides but cuts a little rat’s tail into the back and maybe adds some highlights.

4. You’re in the public library and stumble across a joke book. Do you a) open it and chuckle away. b) report it to the authorities immediately.

5. You have a €15 voucher for HMV. Do you buy a) the new Coldplay album. b) David Hasselhoff’s Christmas carols CD.

6. Your new sandals have arrived. Do you a) put them on and allow your feet to breathe. b) immediately begin searching for your best ankle socks to wear with them.

7. You arrive at a Spanish holiday resort in the early hours of the morning. Do you a) collapse into bed, exhausted from the journey. b) immediately locate the swimming pool and carefully place down an assortment of towels in key locations.

8. You’re taken for dinner at a top Michelin star restaurant. Do you a) accept the chef’s recommendation and have the lobster. b) ask him if he has any sausages.