The Fine Art of "Manscaping"...

"An urban, heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments and fashionable clothes.” Yes, my friends, we are living in the metrosexual age. According to reports, us men are spending more and more of our time and money on grooming. And who is being held responsible for this trend? Football players.

Thanks to the likes of David Beckham and Ronaldo (Cristiano, not the hungry one with the teeth), “manscaping” is no longer frowned upon by chaps who like to view themselves as men’s men. By the way, manscaping is the fine art of trimming one’s pubic hair — a bit like landscaping. The thing is, whatever top footballers do, people will always follow them. Beckham started wearing rosary beads and all of a sudden you could buy them in Top Shop. Thierry Henry started pulling his socks over his knees and within weeks, Sunday league players were doing the same. I grew a beard and started wearing socks with sandals and before long . . . er, yeah, well, we’ll leave that there.

But anyway, people look up to footballers and that’s something companies will always look to exploit. So what I’m saying is that it’s not actually our fault if you’re spending half your monthly income on fake tan and exfoliating. As soon as a couple of big names started getting out the chest wax, the corporations jumped on it, knowing that footballers could make it socially acceptable for men to do things that would have got them beaten up 30 years ago.

As always, we all then get tarred with the same brush, even though a dressing-room is a cross-section of life as much as anywhere else. For every hairless midfield starlet with a skip full of beauty products, there’s also a big hairy Wookie who doesn’t even use deodorant. Claus Jensen and Sylvain Legwinski are quite possibly the two hairiest beings I’ve ever seen. It was like they had woolly jumpers on under their football shirts.

And, for the record, it’s not just footballers who are to blame. Boots used Jonny Wilkinson to promote their male grooming range and he even admitted that some of his team-mates got the moisturiser out after training (although I’m not sure there’s a face product powerful enough for most front-row forwards — you’d be better off with a chisel). Then there’s Gavin Henson, with his two-hour pre-match beauty regime. He claims it’s performance-enhancing; apparently he plays better if he feels good about himself. Not sure I’d go that far but he’s probably a lot bigger than me so I’d better watch what I say.

So where do I fit into all this? I took this online metrosexuality test to find out . . .

1. Do you have a man bag?

Yes, I use it to carry my books in. It’s more like a school bag really, but I suppose it qualifies as a man bag.

2. How do you feel about your socks? Are they designer and did you put them on because they go well with your outfit?

I love coloured and stripy socks. I’m not worried about them matching my clothing but I do like a nice sock on my foot, yes.

3. Do you use product in your hair and has it ever been highlighted?

Yes, I use wax. And of course it’s been highlighted. I’m German.

4. Have you ever used hair-removal services other than shaving?

I trim my leg hair but for legitimate sporting reasons — leg massage with long hair can be quite daunting. I’ve plucked my eyebrows and had my chest waxed before too. But I’m no Tom Selleck so it wasn’t exactly a major job.

I also once experimented with a women’s hair removal machine. But that was only because my brother and I claimed it wouldn’t hurt. Got that one wrong, didn’t we . . .

5. Have you ever had spa treatments?

I join in with the wife from time to time, yes. Manicure, pedicure, facial — I’ve had the lot.

6. Do you borrow products from the women in your life?

Don’t need to, I’ve got my own supply.

So there it is. I guess that makes me officially metrosexual. But I do have my limits. You won’t find me — or any footballer for that matter — applying Superdrug’s new Guyliner or Manscara. Blame Russell Brand if that catches on. Mind you, a few years back, the idea of a chest-waxed footballer with face cream would have been unheard of, so who knows, maybe we’ll see the next generation applying a bit of lippy before they pull on their match boots. And as for the ‘back, sack and crack wax’, well, I’d try most things but I’m not feeling that at all — although I’m sure I would if I tried it. I’ll leave that one for Mark “Botox” Crossley.