What your boot colour says about you...

“Like Trigger’s broom in Only Fools And Horses” – that’s how we used to describe Andy Melville’s boots when he was at Fulham. He’d had the same pair of knackered adidas World Cups for five seasons. They had new uppers, new soles, new studs, new everything. But in Melv’s mind, they were the same boots – which is the kind of approach to football footwear you would expect from an old-fashioned Welsh centre half.

To this day there are certain players you’ll never get near a pair of flashy coloured boots. But those who stick to old-school black are so in the minority that it has almost become a statement in its own right.

There was a time when pulling on a slinky white pair implied that you were some kind of super-skilled superstar. It was Beckham territory. Today even I wear white boots, which says it all. But for me, style is way down on the priority list. Like Birkenstocks, it’s all about comfort. I have very wide feet, you see. They’re almost square (which probably explains a few things), so blisters are a constant problem.

I’ve tried everything to avoid them – tape, extra socks, Vaseline, insoles. I even wear things called toe condoms, which are little jelly slips that go over your toes. So, as you can imagine, once I find a pair of boots that work, I stick with them, even if they are white.

But the whole coloured boots thing isn’t a new phenomenon. Alan Ball wore white boots in the early 1970s. They were made by Hummel, with whom he had a deal. But apparently they felt like cardboard, so he got an apprentice to paint his adidas pair white, hoping that Hummel wouldn’t notice. All well and good – until it rained. Cue one very unhappy Hummel rep and the end of a short-lived endorsement.

Anyway, thanks to my square feet I’m stuck with my trusted Nike Tiempos, which I’ve had for about three years – a legacy from my old boot deal. My old boot deal. You know, the one that no longer exists. But I’m more than willing to try out some others, even if it means venturing into unfamiliar colour territory. As long as they’re comfy they could be pink for all I care.

In fact, I might try and do what Stan Bowles did in the 1970s and go for a separate sponsorship deal for each foot. When England played Holland in 1977 he had a Gola boot on one foot and an adidas boot on the other. Now that could be a way around the credit crunch.

However, despite my constant quest for comfort, there are plenty of players for whom style is everything and, as you can imagine, it’s the young players who are most all over the boot fashions. But take note, kids – don’t go over the top. If you can’t back up your footwear with your foot-work, you’ll get a reputation. “All the gear but no idea” is not a good place to be, not to mention that wearing those yellow boots that looked so cool in the shop is like having a huge neon sign above your head saying “Kick Lumps Out Of Me, Please”.

But that didn’t stop Djibril Cissé. When he was at Liverpool he trotted out for a game with a red boot on one foot and a white one on the other. Then, presumably to coordinate with his beard, he changed to a yellow pair at half-time. Wonder what Neil Warnock would have made of that. He called one of his players “a disgrace” for wearing white boots last season, on account of the fact he was a centre back. Where’s Andy “Trigger” Melville when you need him?