Moritz Volz

He-Man. That’s what I got lumbered with when I first arrived at Arsenal as a 16-year-old trainee. Something to do with my unusually developed body, I assume. But if it hadn’t been that, it would have been something else because nicknames are as much a part of dressing-room culture as boots and balls. I didn’t get “Volzy” until I signed for Fulham and in Germany I was always “Mo”. Short and efficient, just the way we like things back home. When Jan Koller was at Borussia Dortmund his nickname was “Lange”, which simply means “Long”. We don’t mess about in the Motherland.

But while nicknames are part of football the world over, in England they do tend to follow certain rules and generally – as in my case – involve little more than the addition of a “y” to a surname. Bridgey, Coley, Giggsy, Scholesy – the list is endless. The common alternative is to use the first syllable of the surname and then just stick an “s” on the end – Lamps, Curbs, Shilts etc. I was playing right back in a preseason Fulham game in Hong Kong last summer and had new signing John Pantsil alongside me in the middle. Now, he can’t possibly be called “Pantsily” as it just doesn’t work. But I’ve got to say, yelling “Pants” at him whenever he had the ball was a constant source of amusement.

Of course, lookalikes are always fertile ground for nicknames in any dressing-room, which is why Jimmy Bullard has had to endure “Mrs Doubtfire” and “Maggie” (Thatcher – come on, don’t tell me you’ve never noticed?) alongside the more predictable “Bully”. Football’s favourite comedy, Only Fools & Horses, always seems to provide at least one nickname in every dressing-room, too. I don’t think Tony Warner was called anything other than “Denzil” in his whole time at Fulham and Edwin van der Sar quite rightly got the “Rodders” shout for obvious reasons. Most teams have a “Trigger” as well, but this tends to have little to do with visual similarities, as Jason McAteer will testify from his time at Tranmere Rovers. Apparently he was once asked whether he wanted his pizza cut into four or eight pieces. His reply was that it would have to be four because he wasn’t hungry enough to finish eight. Nice work, Trigger. But it just shows that you can’t get away with anything at a football club. Not even poor old Barry Hayles’s stutter was exempt. “Over here B-B-Barry – on me ’ead, son!”

It’s not just the players who get nicknames, though. At Fulham our kit man was known by everyone as Pudsey, simply because he used to be the bloke inside the bear costume on Children In Need. Now, I was at Fulham for five years and knew Pudsey very well. But to this day I still don’t have the faintest idea what his actual name is.

We have a guy on the staff at Ipswich called Dick and I just assumed that must be a nickname because no right-minded parent would give their son a name like that.

So with this whole name thing in mind I asked a couple of the older English players where it came from, hoping for an interesting story. But they told me it’s just short for Richard. Eh? Richard? Ten years over here and I never knew that. That would never be allowed back home – it’s far too illogical. It must be common in the Netherlands, though, because one of Martin Jol’s two brothers is called Dick and the other is called Cock. No wonder we haven’t seen those two working in England . . .

Christmas Hamper:Volzy's Top Five Football Nicknames

1 Diomansy Kamara - Known as “Joe” because it’s a lot easier than saying Diomansy.

2 Patrick Vieira - Or “Halifax”, at Arsenal, after the guy from the building society TV ads. He didn’t like it very much.

3 Neil Pointon - The former Manchester City and Everton defender was dubbed “Dissa”. Think about it . . .

4 Fitz Hall - The QPR defender was given the name “One Size” when he was at Oldham. One Size Fitz Hall. Total genius.

5 Kiki Musampa - Responded to the name of “Chris” at Manchester City. Chris Musampa. Oh yes.